Love...Sinful...Forbidden

I can say I had the blessing to experience, practice and touch real love. Growing up love was sacred, it was not naked or shameless. Relationships were slow and based on love. I remember hidden small coffee shops were the most beautiful places to remember where you could meet with your love on a cozy corner and butterflies flying inside.. Love was real. Love was and is still forbidden in Iran and that is what makes it so pure. Seeking for love is real, youth believe in love. blushing phone calls and hanging up phone calls if a mother or father picked up the phone was so innocent. Each time our gray old fashioned phone was ringing I had a hard beating heart, is it him?! My mother would curse me now if she knew all the late calls that woke her up was my fault!

I remember first semester in university I lend my book to a guy whom I never thought he would like me and when he returned it , there was a love letter inside.. My first love letter!!! I was so excited.. Not that it created any connection between me and him but I always thought it was only in romantic books and love novels that one would write an actual love letter..But there I was with a love letter in my hand ( English one !!!) whom did I have to talk to about this? Aida?..Nah.. I rushed home and called my aunt and she laughed! She said 'you will be out there and many might come to tell you they love you but the only thing you will listen to is your heart!'

I remember first time I have been kissed, I had fever for a week and I couldn't talk to anybody as if I have crossed the sacred line and I was a sinner. It was great! And sinfulness of it was making it even more lovely. Any careless touch at a taxi or a restaurant could blush me up to my ears. Oh I miss those feelings...Love was what you had to fight for it and oh wasn't that adventurous

We would go back to a cozy coffee shop on a hidden back street and fear of getting arrested to be in love was a joy. Even looking at each other was a big deal! Soon after some gained courage we started to hang out at each others' house. Knowing that it would be treated as a real crime by Islamic government! SO we should appreciate every moment of being together. We could sing, play, dance, read, cry, laugh, talk , cook , talk, talk and laugh...But clock was so cruel, it wouldn't last long and soon one of us being scared of nosy neighbors would sneak out and head home. I remember putting a check mark in my calender to remember each day of adventure!.. and remember all the good things about that day.. it is a shame that time washes good and bad both off your memory and there is no way to capture certain moments till forever.

I have had the blessing to love and even till today I love the same way. I have the blessing to know how to love.

Back to cozy coffee shop and we would stretch our one cup of coffee for 3 hours! Intelligence and art was what we were trained to talk about, to connect. Eastern love is sacred despite all flashy Hollywood love which has a beautiful face but an ugly inside, Eastern love is still sacred. Love is part of tradition not a way to multiply or share expenses ...Now I know it by heart .. I have been lucky to be born in Iran. Many times I regret to be an Iranian but now that I think my love and my emotions have no deep scar on them! Didn't I learn to love steady and slow in those smoky coffee shops... When love is fake, cruel, naked and forgetful, it is not love anymore but a shallow urge.

Back to cozy coffee shops and another university classmate expressed such a force of love that I could not stop shaking but even then I knew true love can not be forced.... He was an insecure little boy with a shy look . Sure a book full of poetris about how beautiful I am was a good feeding for my ego and self confidence but I was not talented enough to go on with fake love!.. Roses hidden within love notebook was such a beautiful gesture but there was nothing inside...Then I realized I have certain tastes and desires that could not be faked.. I was back to that coffee shop again but never with the forced love but with one that I truly loved!



Back to cozy coffee shop and being a literature student I would go on and on and on about true love, Shakespeare or semi political books such as 'animal farm'. But there I had someone that he would listen to me and deep inside I knew how I feel: IN LOVE!! It was great... I was waking up with a smile.. going to bed with a smile and I knew it... I knew it there is a warm stream in my blood constantly... Didn't I ace my all courses? It is true love multiplies and Love multiplied my brain, my skills.. How can I appreciate the one who gave me such a wonderful feeling? How can I ever tell him he played a great role in my life by teaching me how to love!

Back to cozy coffee shop and sure we could have some fight over NOTHING.. honestly NOTHING!! But I guess saying : I am sorry was such a sweet action followed by such nonsense fights!

Back to a cozy coffee shop and I came to decision that I want to learn to play ' Santour' Just to make me connected to him! I have tried music before and let's face it I was a failure! But I dared to try.. I was improving so fast and I loved it as it was opening new doors of communication.. this time less talk and more music! It was lovely..This time instead of a heartless music teacher I had him by me teaching to play...notes were not that boring anymore!

Back to coffee shops and I would innocently think about how to present a gift that I have bought with saving my allowance and taking bus instead of taxi home to have enough money to a purchase gifts for him or asking dad to give me money to buy something for myself! Hiding the gift inside book shelves and leaving it there, I would call and let him know there is something hidden there!.. It was a puzzle to solve!

Back to coffee shops and I was so drunk of love that I decided to put an end to this love before getting rotten or old! I knew first true love should not be the last one. I had such a confidence that I learned how to love and I will be fine leaving him ! Morning smiles were gone and phone calls were not interesting...

There was a hole in my heart...

But once I felt it so I can feel it again!.....
It took sometime...

Internet was a hip....chat rooms full of boys and girls.. coffee shops were getting less crowded and chat rooms were the new era's coffee shops! I started to chat to people around the world; Brazil, Peru, Lebanon, London, Canada, Iran!... day and night.. showing up to classes late... passing the courses with a C rather than good old A+!

I was back to a cozy coffee shop , this time on my own .....I can move to a place where I can explore more, rather than a cyber chat room exploring! .... and that was the end of an era for me...
1, 2, 3 years later I landed in Canada..

Here I went to coffee shop but it was not the same, it was a place to get coffee and feed caffeine addiction and run to work, run home, run to class.. run , run , run..
I was devistated but never hopeless..

No coffee shop...In my empty home there was one on the other side of phone, giving me hope, love and support...sending me Cds full of memorable songs and meaningful lyrics.... Love was not pronounced between us... .As it was a known fact but it hurt my feelings.. I shut the door and made myself blind to this love.. I don't regret it... I saved the love with replacing it with friendship!....

And then I was in love..shaking....fearful... different taste, different color,, different music........................

I had to build every inch of this love.. It was not easy.. It is still not easy....
Build,....collapse.. build.....collapse....build...collapse..

I want a cozy coffee shop and a large Cafe Glace and a true friend to listen.. talk...laugh.. cry.. and sing known songs and go through memories together....

I am walking on the edge...knowing if I lose love even for a moment...there will be nothing but collapse....